Funnies
Shopping
I went shopping in the van to the Wal-mart Store
In twenty minutes we were to meet at the door
I found my hair color in no time at all
Adron needed Kleenex I did recall
In my hurry I got Kotex instead
If you would like to know how the Wal-mart story ends
I am going to exchange the Kotex for Depends
Punctuation
When you get an e-mail from me
I do not often use an apostrophe
I cannot find where the darn thing is
I am going to learn I promise
My editor in Canada takes care of spelling and punctuation
I just send her the information
Hopes for 2007
Medic may discover Med X
A pill to eliminate all chemical side effects
You will be able to handle heavy machinery and more
Even if you have never done it before
No sudden unexplained muscle pain
No dizzy spells that dull the brain
No loss of appetite or dry mouth syndrome
Just take your medicine with no bad symptoms
Aggie Hunt
Six little Aggies went a hunting
A hunting they did go
They memorized each hunting rule
Even went to hunting school
But the woods will be a safer place
When they all get back to their naval base
Cell Phones
When I think that stranger may be talking to me
There is usually a cell phone I see
They are calling home or Mission Control
To give them the exact time they may reach their goal
As the World Turns
When I read the headline Monday
I was sure glad I wasn't Condi
She has to deal with terrorists and politicians
Get food to the starving by the tons
In my world my most
profound decision that
I ponder
Whether the new toilet tissue goes over or under
How Do You Spell
How do you spell post
I was asked by a boy I remember the most
No, not like the post in the garden,
Like 'post when you're 'post to do sumthin'
Our New Menu
If this is about tee time, the
temperature must be above fifty
Press One
If you want Bernice to go with you to the mall, weather no problem
Press Two
If this is to remind us of an important appointment
Press Three
If you have been trying to get an answer for more than two days
Press 911
Pillow Talk
Everyone has their own pillow preference
Some prefer flat others more dense
When my sister comes to spend the night
She brings her own pillow that's soft and light
Sofa pillows add elegance and grace
But have to be fluffed and in the right place
Decorator pillows piled on the bed
Add color and prop up your head
There are therapeutic pillows for the sick
What ever your problem just take your pick
I heard of a novelty
pillow in modern lingo
If a man says something in the woods
where there is no woman is he still wrong, yes or no?
First Day of Spring 06
The only place it's Spring is on the calendar
You will have to wait awhile if you're a Hoosier
Clean the snow off the sidewalk once more
Soon there will be Easter lilies galore
Forgotten But Not Gone
We have so many pictures and souvenirs
Collected during travels in our younger years
We could have saved a lot of bill of fare
Since we can't remember being there
Doughnuts and Roses
My husband brought home roses today
Not our anniversary or my birthday
I was stunned
I was actually impressed
Until I heard his explanation
They were a gift for being the first doughnut customer at the delicatessen
Humor
Some of my wise cracks are not so wise I confess
But may ease tension and stress
Hope my poems may at least bring a smile
Singing the blues is just not my style.
Gloom and
Doom
Chickens are getting the "flu"
Ducks and geese are getting it too
They will be destroyed and all their eggs
Cows are "mad" and can't stand on their legs
There goes meat, milk, butter and cheese
How could we do without these
They are worries just about food
Not to mention global warming and floods
Increased usage of illegal drugs
Our enemy working on a dirty bomb
That will send is all to kingdom come
The Mall
I spent a whole day at the mall
Just to prove I could after all
I checked all the clearance racks
Stopping only for snacks
I bought a white suit that is neat
When I wear it I can't eat
By mid-afternoon I went for the chatting benches
Next to the other dropouts from the shopping trenches
Another Grandmother was describing the stress
Of buying her granddaughter's prom dress
Another was describing how chaotic
Her reaction to an antibiotic
Brent picked me up before that story was finished
Boy was I glad to see him
Hard Candy
My husband found some candy I had hidden away
I just broke off a tooth I heard him say
Moral - Only eat your own candy to be sure
It's soft enough for your worn out denture
My Purse
I have a new purse that I like very much
Not a shoulder bag or a clutch
I now have it fully equipped
In every section that will snap or zip
There is a place for a visa card
My expired driver's license and health card
It will hold Kleenex, sunglasses and chewing gum
Compact with mirror and a small comb
Small notebook with names to call
In case I should happen to faint or fall
Cough drops, and pain pills if I get down in my back
Rain bonnet in its own little sack
I'm ready to go but I can't find where I put it
The purse I'm carrying is completely empty
My Purse Two
My purse was right where I stashed it
Now I think I have the hang of it
There are six sections that zip or snap
They are on the outside front and back
Then on the inside it is much simplified
Only
ONE zipper section inside
No other places to hide
I can whip out my billfold very fast
Unzipping and unsnapping is a thing of the past
My Hobby
Don't know much about politicians
But that's the way our government runs
Don't know much about our solar system
My world is now the town I live in
Don't know much about religious views
I'm happy with the church I go to
Don't know much about writing poetry
But it bring lots of pleasure to me
TV
Whenever I watch TV
I adjust the volume that's right for me
Then the commercials come on gung ho
I grab the remote and punch mute pronto
Have a Nice Day
We went out for a breakfast snack
The waitress said to have a nice day and do come back
Stopped at the market and the cashier said
Have a nice day when I paid for the bread
Went on to the drug store for some Oil of Olay
The cleaners said to have a great day
When we picked up some cleaning on our way
I know they are told to always say that
But somehow I like it anyway
Blue Boots
I have boots that are royal blue
You can see me when I come into view
I wear them in the snow and ice
Even sometimes when the weather's nice
I think they make me look a little younger
Maybe even a bit more stylish-er
I love that whisper in my ear
I really like your boots my dear
Infrequent Flyer
We found a spot at the top of a circular parking deck
Made me dizzy but what the heck
Arrived at he terminal, why is it called that word?
Security search was the next thing I heard
We are now seated and ready to soar
The stewardess warned us of a whole lot more
Loss of oxygen or engine failure
How to use our cushion should we land in some river
The pilot tells us how high we are flying
We will soon be ready for our FINAL descent am I dying?
The landing was a little bit rough I thought
Not the pilots fault but the rough asphalt
Travel By Air
When you're over the hill you pick up speed
Things go by like a lightning streak
So fasten your seatbelt and grit your dentures
There may be a few more unexpected adventures
Grab the brass ring and take a deep breath
It may just be a matter of life or death
Keep the faith and never stop praying
That you may have a very soft landing
Stains
There is many a slip 'tween cup and lip
That's why I get stains when I sip
I love coffee, hot chocolate, and tea
Those brown stains don't really bother me
My cup runneth over and sometimes spills
I just go back for my next refills.
Beauty Queens
Little girls dream of being queens some day
They soon learn there's a price to pay
It takes more than a pretty face
She must be full of wisdom, charm and grace
Her smile becomes her most powerful tool
Smile, smile, smile becomes the rule
She must smile through her tears whether she wins or loses
But now she can eat whatever she chooses
Rock-a-Bye
Rock-a-bye a baby in the top of a tree
You'll get some attention definitely
An anxious neighbor may call 911
Police and firemen will make an emergency run
So before someone makes that call
Take down that baby cradle and all
Lady Luck
Lady Luck gets a lot of credit
If fame and fortune should come our way
But I really feel I must say
She didn't do much for that poor little rabbit
It lost a foot so someone could say
I hope this will bring me good luck today
My Rule
I have a rule on my website
Nothing heavy - keep it light
Politics is a forbidden topic
Anything else that's analytic
To err is human and sometimes funny
Makes our lives a bit more sunny
A laugh a day is a very good cure
For all the mishaps we endure
As we get older we stay younger
If we can keep our sense of humor
Freedom
I believe in freedom for all
I let my husband take me to the mall
If he wants to vacuum or make the bed
I just say "go right ahead"
A little assistance never hurts
At times I've even let him iron his own shirts
In the Tub
I'm home alone and in the tub
Now comes the inevitable rub
The phone is ringing down the hall
It keeps on ringing off the wall
I grab a towel and make a dash
Tried to get there in a flash
It's still ringing when I find the thing
I say "hello" -- no ones answering
I wonder who it could have been
Maybe they will call again
But now I must finish my bath
I went back through the same wet path
The water had cooled and I like it hot
I'll finish this job no matter what
That can't be the phone I'm hearing
The end of my patience is now nearing
This time I got there a little sooner
The caller said sweetly "sorry wrong number"
I know this doesn't actually rhyme
Now we have an answering machine
Large or Small
You may have found your place in the sun
Be sorely missed when your time is done
Friends may gather all together
But the size of your funeral depends on the weather.
Education
I have a diploma and two degrees
I think I've mastered my ABC's
There are some things I've failed completely
I can never fold a fitted sheet neatly.
Paper Boy
This winter's been nothing but cold and snow
Temperatures hovering around zero
Would you sweep our walk if I leave a broom
Then deliver the paper to our bedroom??
